A little chat with God

My blog, although mostly about my weight loss journey, is about me.  I haven’t blogged in a while and too many things were bubbling.  This blog entry has nothing to do with my weight loss journey – or anyone’s for that matter.  But it does have everything to do with what’s been on my mind and in my heart.    This is my *place* for my words.  We all need one.   /marci

Dear God,

It’s Rosh Hashanah and I should be in shul, but I’m not. And I broke down crying in the middle of my prayer lighting the holiday candles. I broke down because I’m mad at you. I shouldn’t be. I know it. I know you don’t cause illness or pain. I know you listen and hear and know what’s in my heart. So I know you know I’m mad at you. I talk to you daily. I pray and praise. And I do love you. In fact you taught me that I can be mad and love you at the same time. And you taught me to be honest – so there it is. I’m angry.

She’s in so much pain, God. You know this. You’re watching her. You’re hearing prayers with her name, I know you are. And maybe she’s not worse BECAUSE you’re listening and hearing and watching and caring. Or maybe she’s not because you’re busy elsewhere or mad at me because you’re not seeing or hearing enough from me. Maybe you’re disappointed in me. I get that. I get that because I’m also disappointed.

I know any given day you have millions of moms talk to you about their kids. We’re all praying because our kids….well, they’re our hearts.   We’d pretty much do anything for them. We’d take their pain if we could.   You did that – somehow. You gave moms this connection.   It’s not biological because we don’t have to carry our babies to feel this love….this consuming connection.

I’m scared God. You know that, too, I’m sure. I’m scared for her because we don’t know what this is. So there’s fear of what we don’t know. Then looking at all the possibilities, there’s fear of the treatment. There’s fear because this strong girl you and I created (yeah, I’m taking some credit there) doesn’t know how strong she is. She knows how stubborn she is and how frustrated she is and how anxious she is – but she doesn’t know her own strength. I’d have preferred she learn that without so much agony, thank you very much.   And I’m scared for me because I’m not coping with this as well as I normally cope with things. Lack of sleep, anxiety, lack of focus, lack of staying nourished in all aspects of nourishment – body, mind, soul. I say I’m doing my best, but actually, I’m not. I’m hardly doing at all – just surviving hour by hour, day by day.

You know, God….I wasn’t angry with you when my mom got sick and then died. I wasn’t angry at all. I was just really getting to know you after she died and simply was in awe. But now….well, I just can’t help it.   I’m downright upset. What did I do? What didn’t I do?

Just because I’m mad at you, doesn’t mean I am not grateful. The myriad of test results of what she doesn’t have – thank you! Her ability to articulate what she’s going through – thank you! I remember when she was a baby and couldn’t and we just were at wits end. The love my kids have for each other – thank you! The care she’s being shown by so many – thank you! And for Neil, God.   Really there are no words for how much I thank you for him.   He keeps giving me the love, the support and the perspective of “Of course He’s listening. She’s still here, isn’t she?” So thank you a gazillion times for Neil.

Last night she apologizes for ruining Rosh Hashanah.   And I told her that she didn’t have the power of ruining Rosh Hashanah. It’s not a meal. It’s not brisket and chicken soup.   It’s the promise of a new year ahead and if anything, she reminded me of what it really means. So I sit here reflecting on this new year ahead, I ask you to show me what I can do and then help me do them.   Praying for a sweet year ahead with answers and healing and growth.

So please take these burdens I wrote and those others I feel and couldn’t articulate.   I’m giving them to you because I just can’t figure out what to do with all of it. Forgive me for being angry and thank you for allowing it.

Good talk, God. Next time maybe fewer tears?

With all the love and praise and the myriad of feelings that I have….your Marci

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9 thoughts on “A little chat with God

  1. Marci. My heart is tight as I read your words. Like you, I’ve been blessed with children. I know we should take care of ourselves first so we’re able to give the best of ourselves to others. But when it comes to our kids… we can’t do it. So I feel what you said so well, “they’re our hearts.”…”we’d take their pain if we could” …”to feel this love, this consuming connection.” My heart and prayers go out to you and especially your daughter, as you continue to navigate. May you find the answers you’re looking for. I’m honored and thank you to have read your deeply personal words. donn

  2. It’s so difficult to understand God’s plan, as he doesn’t always allow us to see His ‘big picture’. He understands this, and I’m sure He is standing within your heart to help you as you navigate all of these emotions. Sending up my prayers that God’s plan is one that we are all praying for. Hugs to you and your daughter, Marci!

  3. Dear Marci, I feel your anger, hurt, fear, love and anxiety of the unknown future. My very dear friend,Linda, was just given 3-6 month’s to live! No she’s not one of my children( I totally understand the mother’s love -I have 6 of my own) but the love and concern for her and her loving family makes the feelings you share even that much more real in my heart right now!
    The best I can do is to pray for your sweet daughter & for my friend to have the “grace, acceptance, calmness, peace & love from God who knows everything about the future. Trusting in Him and being MAD because in our humanness we are not God and can’t make MIRACLES happen. You are not walking alone my friend, sending you a virtual hug right now!
    Ali

  4. Marci, I only know of you through your sister (from WW) and was as inspired by her as I am by you. I always look forward to reading your insights, on whatever topic you choose, and I’m in pain alongside you right now as you are a person who feels very deeply – for better or worse. I hope that sharing your heart and releasing these feelings out into the universe will diminish some of the anger, the fear and the worry. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts!

  5. Marci, I had this same talk with God several years ago about my brother and my heart is heavy with sadness for you right now. I only hope for the best for your daughter, and my prayers go out to you and your family, plus I will say a prayer for your daughter as well. I hope for the New Year for you to be filled only with happiness.

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